Monstrosity
by KivaEmber
Summary: It was a vicious circle that made him want to laugh hysterically and scream past the splintering shards of sanity clogging his throat at the same time.


**Title: **Monstrosity

**Pairing: **None. But there's KiraxRaito if you squint.

**Rating: **K+

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything except my Muse.

**Summary: **It was a vicious circle that made him want to laugh hysterically and scream past the splintering shards of sanity clogging his throat at the same time.

**Word Count: **982 words

**A/N: **Inspiration struck.

I need to brush up on my descriptive writing, so I thought I'd try a little drabble to wipe off the rust. I finally got into A-level English so I thought that I may as well keep the skills squeaky clean.

And I wanted to look into the repercussions of Raito having his memories wiped from the Death Note; I always thought that a small piece of Kira remained inside of him when he became White Raito. Because before he regained it, he was appalled at the idea of killing people, which meant that the Death Note had some form of compulsion or personality altering ability, or that Kira was a separate entity entirely from Raito and was born from either the darkness of Raito's soul, or from the corruption of the Death Note.

But…uh, that's just my theory…

Anyway, enjoy!

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

"_Your memory is a monster; you forget – it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you – and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!"_

_-- John Irving_

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

**MONSTROSITY**

Sometimes, Raito wondered if L was right.

Whenever he met those piercing obsidian eyes, something deep inside of him, like a forgotten piece of a dark memory shoved under a barrier, purred and flexed metaphysical claws, a flash of malice and glee slithering like quicksilver into his thoughts, twining round them and _squeezing_.

It was wild, untamed and _raw_. A sharp contrast to himself, controlled and protected by countless masks of perfection (_though perfection is so __**rotten**__ nowadays, it seemed_), bursts of passion extinguishing within moments as the crushing monotony of the world suffocated the fragile flame. The wildness was born of a bone deep thrill, the scent of a chase to a predator, a challenge.

It both terrified and excited him.

L was a mess of contradictions and complexities, tempting him to clutch at one stray strand and unwind the tight web that held the detective together, to see what lay under the brick wall of indifference and polite hostility. But that was casual curiosity, it was not the driving force of the dark piece inside of him purring and snarling at the sight of L, at the word _Kira_, at the theories of Kira's plans.

It cackled, it howled, it hissed and coiled and writhed through his mind like a flesh eating parasite. The terror brought more excitement, and the excitement brought more terror, a vicious circle that made him want to laugh hysterically – just to see the reactions – and scream past the splintering shards of sanity clogging his throat at the same time. This monstrosity living inside of him, _was not him_.

"_Kira."_ L proclaimed, staring intently at him with impenetrable eyes.

And Raito was tempted to agree; to twist his perfect auburn hair between his fingers and yowl to the heavens to take the endless terror and excitement from him and with it, the dark fragment digging its claws into his brain, numbing him from the inside out. It was like ice, sharp and freezing and devouring him from the inside out until only the monster will remain.

But he said nothing. He did not want to release the break in monotony, the whisper hissing that discarding it will destroy him utterly, because after this could Raito return to that bland life, drifting through it without a purpose-

_**But I had a purpose. I was a Go-**_

And watching the world bleed of colour?

_**We will rule**_, the darkness crowed, triumph resounding through his body and thrumming in his veins until Raito had to close his eyes briefly against the slew of conflicting sensations, trying to pass the action off as a slow blink. Sometimes it was so loud, Raito was amazed that those surrounding him did not hear the sibilant purrs rubbing against his numbing brain. _**I am a God, and you are my means of achieving my duties.**_

It was unnatural.

_**Perfection.**_

It terrified him.

_**I give you excitement, a reason to live.**_

And he _knew_ who- _what_ it was, even though whenever he tried to whisper the words past his lips, it made the skin blister and burn from the admission. The dark piece hissed angrily whenever he tried, slashing through the fragile remains of his crumbling psyche and making spots dance before his visions and missing seconds, minutes, hours, _days_, slotting neatly between his precious memories.

He was slowly going insane, and he couldn't shout it out – not to his father who sat two seats away, nor to the detective who was bound to him by a six foot chain. He was trapped.

_**Like a rat.**_

Amusement bubbled in the monster coiled smugly round his mind from that purr, and Raito shivered, chain jingling from the violent shudder working from the top of his head down to his toes, as the faintest brush of twisted affection scratched at his heart, making the rhythmic beat splutter.

"Is Raito-kun well?" L murmured quietly, catching the movement and noise.

"I'm fine." Raito forced out in his best polite voice, the darkness snickering and hissing at the detective, whispering how he will _crush_ him and conqueror until only the pure scrabbled at his feet and the heads of his enemies and rivals were lined on forked pikes wrought on iron gates.

L said nothing, obsidian eyes staring evenly at Raito until the boy thought that the detective could _see_ the sick filth choking him from the inside, the parasite gnawing at his bones and polluting his veins with what felt like vomit. He swallowed, hoping that L could see, could scour the infection from him, and hoped that L couldn't see, hoped that he wouldn't see how…how…

_This world is rotten._

Rotten he had become, like everything else in this despicable world.

_**We are pure. We are Justice.**_

Raito returned to work, the words blurring under the pressure as L munched on another bite of cake (_always with cake, sweet and sickly like his overblown façade of being a perfect son_) and wanted to twitch his fingers to the pen lying a few centimetres away and drive it into his (_**L's**_, the darkness hissed) heart.

Morbidly, Raito wondered what would've happened if he did that. Would L immediately use that to prove he was Kira? Clear his name? Dance on his corpse or – God forbid – actually _morn_ him?

Raito's fingers began to stretch towards it-

_**None of that.**_ His mind was torn away, shoved back into the silvery pool that he had come to know as the backseat of his body, trembling from the mist clinging to his essence and how he could almost _see_ carmine eyes glittering malevolently at him, a picture perfect reflection of his face smiling angelically at him as the black spots began eating away at his fading vision and that sibilant parasite stretched under his skin, settled comfortably in _his_ body.

He wanted to scream.

_**Just a little longer…**_

Raito almost sobbed.

"_I'm Kira."_

**666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666**

**A/N:** Yeah…weird.

Oh well. I needed to write something weird for this fandom anyway. Hope y'all enjoyed!


End file.
